Friday, August 12, 2005

Returns, Exchanges and Other Peculiar Policies

You probably know that a White Party is a huge bash where all the guests wear white clothes. This is different from a Whites Only Party where all the guests are white. Not long ago, a friend and I decided to check out a local White Party. (We're saving the Whites Only Party for a future weekend.) Because I didn't have any party-appropriate attire, I went to the mall and bought some loose-fitting white linen pants. Despite their appeal, I soon realized that I would probably never wear the pants again, so I decided to return them for a refund. I ironed out the wrinkles and sprayed them with Febreze. Then I put them in the original shopping bag along with the receipt and headed to the mall.

When I got to the department store, I looked for the cashier with the most forgiving demeanor. The nicer the cashier, the easier my return, I thought. I chose a twenty-something white guy with curly brown hair and an easy-going smile. I approached his counter when there weren't any shoppers in line; I pulled the pants from the shopping bag and placed them in front of him. The tags dangled from the waistband; I'd had the forsight to leave them attached.

"I want to return these white pants," I said. "Here's the receipt."

"Would you like to look around and find something else," he asked as he examined the pants.

"Nah man. I'm cool. I would like a refund."

"Was there anything wrong with the pants?"

"I would just like a refund."

"Okay, sir". He held up the pants in front of him. They were still a little wrinkled and smelled a bit too strongly of Febreze. He dropped the pants in a heap on the counter and picked up the receipt. He stared at the receipt, and then at the pants, and then at me. "We only accept items that are in their original condition. Have these pants been worn?"

"No. No. I just bought them yesterday. Look at the receipt."

Ignoring my request, he pulled the pants close to his face, closed his eyes and sniffed. "I can't take these pants."

"What are you talking about? They've never been worn! I promise you that."

Seemingly convinced, he neatly folded the pants on the counter. Then, in a final effort to check the pants for wear, he fished through the pockets and found a five dollar bill. "You sure you haven't worn these pants," he asked as he dangled the money in front of me. "Do you want this money back?"

He caught me. "Man, it's not like anything will happen to you if you take the pants back," I pleaded.

"Sir, if I take those pants back, I will get lynched," he said with a strange nonchalance.

Time stopped. I looked at him sideways, a bit baffled. "You will get lynched?" I didn't know that Macy's had a lethal return policy. "Gimme my five dollars, man. And gimme my damn white pants!" I walked off in a huff.

Next time I'm choosing a black cashier. He'll have a better concept of what is and isn't a lynchable offense.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesus, what a ballsy little tweed! That aside, I do hope that's you dressed in white wings.


9:51 AM  
Blogger Gold Nugget said...

I like to scope a bit for manerisms of teh cashier. When she (i always go with a she because most are non confrontational, while guys u never know if they give a shit or not)is with someone and she scans without looking at the tag she is a good candidate, if fumbles with the keys a lot also a good candidate - means she's probably new.

11:16 AM  
Anonymous RG said...

Uhm, you wouldn't care to post the name of this little shit and the department he works in so the store can recieve an effing ton of complaint calls about him, would you?

Pretty please?

11:45 AM  
Blogger shell said...

You probably returned the pants in better condition than ever.

1. There's already a $5 bill in the pocket.
2. It's ironed and spiffy.
3. It smells nice...mmmm..aaahhh..

This is not to mention the fact that you'd freed up one extra rackspace for a day.

In appreciation for your good deed, the clerk ought to have refunded you.

1:02 PM  
Blogger The Quintessential Negro said...

Yall really have Quint's back, even when he's bending the rules.

2:53 PM  
Anonymous MJ said...

I love your blog!!! I'm not black (or Jewish, like your lady) but I really enjoy your writing. I'm not saying that you have to be black to enjoy your'm making this worse, aren't I? Anyway, your blog is fantastic and I love the way you write! I'll be back to read more. And I'm going to use your idea to promote MY blog and website...change the home pages!!

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

funny shit as always quint

5:45 PM  
Blogger Ms. Maybelline said... post!

9:53 PM  
Blogger piu piu said...

i never get those odd people who have nothing better to doin their meagre little lives than use it to infliict pain on yours. cest la vie!!! at least u are $5 better off (tho I can't imagine what u can actually buy with $5, me being english n'all and whupping your ass economy wise)

3:23 AM  
Blogger ... jacek ... said...

well dude, I understand the bitching, but you arent exactly in the right, you wore the pants, you sprayed fabreeze on 'em and then you left a 5 spot in the pocket when trying to return them. Dont get me wrong i;d have tried to return them too, but if the cashier dude caught me, and i really dont think this incident had anything to do with race, I would have simply said, you got me but you cant blame a man for tryin'. As for the "lynching" comment, I know it's TX and all, hell i lived in louisiana, but ti really think the dude's intenetions were harmless.

6:31 PM  
Blogger The Quintessential Negro said...

Everything has to do with race! Especially when you're telling jokes.

8:31 PM  
Anonymous Camille said... @ shell!!!

can't argue with THAT logic. LMAO!

...sell them on Ebay.

7:49 AM  
Blogger Maglet said...

Can't believe dude sniffed them. Whoa... LOL! Can't believe you left that five in there either. Lastly, how did you not get anything on your white pants? I have had white pants and as soon as I put them on, maniacal marks would jump out of nowhere and onto them. Crazy little marks....

Great blog!

11:23 AM  
Blogger ~Deb said...

First of all, you fabreezed the pants...WHY? Second of all, the cashier took a dollar out of the pocket. Obviously it was used.

It is NOT because you were black.

Why do you resent white people so much? It makes me so sad to think that black people still hold this grudge against whites.

I'm not trying to be rude on your blog, Quint, I'm just trying to make a point, ------the cashier would have done that with anyone.

I know there are people out there that are real racists a-holes, I do, ....but not all of us are.

By the way- your blog is very entertaining--as well as hitting some chords with me. It scares me to think if there are more people who think this way. :(

5:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Story seems a bit contrived but regardless you are wrong.

You wore the pants and then febrezed them and then left money in them.


I have met and worked with black people from all over the world and the ones I cannot stand are American ones. The rest are cool.

I'll let you figure out why.

1:18 PM  

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